The Student of the Game

At last, friends!! After clinging to off-season bantor, a motorcycle accident, Roger Goodell’s assencion to NFL Comissioner, meaningless preseason scrimmages, and Terrell Owens, the biggest pain in Bill Parcels’ butt since his most recent colonoscopy — at last the SoTG is PROUD to bring analysis from the season opening extravaganza.

Not that I’m fond of having to use the word extravaganza to properly include all the extra fanfare provided by the Pre-game music and fesitivities which feature artists such as Diddy (aka Puff Daddy, aka P Diddy, aka Master P, aka P, aka the most rediculous name changing since Prince decided to use that funky ass symbol for his name) and Rascal Flats who fit the gap of performing “football pump up” music about as well as Diet Pepst Machine did running the gauntlet in the commerical he starred in (but at least “the Machine” was funny to watch).

This game was to be featured by players attempting to make amazing comebacks . . . although it came in a form that wasn’t exactly expected. Sure, former Minnesota QB and 3-knee-ligament-tear patient, Daunte Culpepper, hit the field as Miami’s field general seeming to be as well recovered as one could expect physically . . . and possibly a little more. But despite being within earshot of the “DUH - Da - DUH”s of the “helmetless” aforementioned motorcycle accident that was reported ’round the world, we were expecting to get a gander at “Big” Ben Roethlisberger’s plastic surgery job that would even make Pamela Anderson’s “boob guy” admire the beauty with which they repaired Pittsburgh’s young QB stud.

At least until an emergency appendectomy which Ben had to undergo with about 4 days before the season opener kept him on the bench. A plight characterized previously only by the bad luck of a man on the 2006 Cleveland Browns roster as a Center.

With back-up QB Charlie Batch stepping into Ben’s role for this game (and likely at least one more) — it would indeed be Batch who was the comeback story for Pittsburgh as he delivered 15-25 (60%) passing with 209 yards and 3 TDs while going INT-free with his only turnover being a potentially heart breaking fumble on the Dolphin endzone’s doorstep. One of his scoring strikes included a check down to TE Heath Miller where he “allegedly” stumbled and bumbled in an 87-yarder for 6. That was one of Miller’s 3 catches for 101 yards on the night that made him the top receiver for Pittsburgh — a TE over 100 yards leading in receiving yards. . . Can you GET more blue-collared and rugged than that?

It seems apparent that Dolphins head coach, Nick Saban, can certainly use Heath Miller’s example in how to be rugged on the field. Made a 300 punder cry . . . check — turned down a White House Dinner with the President — SURE . . . but when it came to making a big presence to challenge the Steeler TE’s TD it looked more dainty than ANYTHING we’ll see from Emmit Smith in the second season of “Dancing With the Stars”.

Looking left and right as a schoolboy looking for clearance to cross the street he tentatively let the red challenge flag loose with an underhanded lob that would make the girliest slow-pitch softball player think Saban threw like a bitch! In fact it was so soft, the officials (staying in stride with their controversial performance in the Super Bowl) didn’t see the flag and when the ball was snapped for the extra point . . . any points that would have been certainly negated and possibly prevented were cast in the neon stone of the scoreboard.

Perhaps Culpepper’s throwing efforts should have been placed as carefully as his coach’s fluttering flag toss. It’s not that Culpepper did horrible . . . he played as many good quarters as Batch had TD passes for his team — 3. The problem is, as all you math folks out there surely notice, “QUARTERS” denotes a game whose periods consist of 4 total . . . which leads us to the period in where Daunte needed to be more careful as he threw 2 INTs (one by Joey Porter for a 42-yard coffin-nailing TD) to go along with his 18-37 (49%) completion rate for 262 yards.

Miami got heavy production from the usually unappreciated WR Wes “Secret Weapon” Welker who led his team in receiving yards with 67 on 4 catches — but the player of the game for the ‘Phins was a man who was very unfashionable while he scored his 2 TDs with 62 all-purpose yards (30 running on 15 carries and 32 receiving with 3 catches) as every player around him often seemed to be wearing black while he was wearing Brown. (And only one side of the jersey to boot . . . how tacky is THAT?!?)

RB Ronnie Brown may have only earned 2 yards a carry, but provided necessary balance that enabled the prowess of the first 3 quarters where the game was still rather close which included a 30 yard passing completion to Welker and a 52 bomb to Marty Booker. In addition, in plays where he didn’t touch the ball, he was an instrumental part of the ‘Phins protection package — a complete contribution which once again makes it easy for Nick Saban to answer the question, “What can Brown do for you?”

But when the 4th quarter came and the Phish had to try to swim quickly upfield (which means it’s obvious there will be no running plays), the Miami offense began to falter.

While the Steeler Nation may have lamented WR Antwaan Randle-El and shuttered at the reports of star WR Hines Ward’s hamstring acting up — read the stats and rest easy. Yes, Heath Miller was the top air performer on the day, but credit must also go to Ward who picked up 53 yards on 5 catches including a 19 yard TD where he found an opening in the back of the endzone.

The Steelers best catch of the night went to former 4th stringer Nate Washington who, on one if his 2 catches on the night, was intimately introduced to Miami DB Traveras Tillman at the goalline who delivered some solid “D” running in with a solid hit . . . but with a well-placed ball, a good use of body positioning and a little bit of heart, Washington proves to the critics that Randle-El isn’t absolutely necessary to the Pittsburgh passing attack as previously thought. Now specieal teams . . . that’s a different story. WR Santonio Holmes has A LOT of work to do if he wants to keep his job — and off his coach, Bill Cowher’s hit list.

All this time talking about the home of the running corps known last year as the Steel City Union, and not yet one mention of the ground attack. Sure, Jerome “the Bus” Bettis was present, but not in his former bone-crunching capacity. (But in all fairness, it appeared he arrived at the game instyle showing up in his very own “Big Yellow Bus” field prop.) RB “Fast” Willie Parker simply lived up to his nickname and shredded through 115 yards worth of field on 29 carries. When the Dolphin’s are tanking that much on stopping the run, why go to anyone else?

All in all, if you’re a Miami fan — don’t be discouraged by the loss. Solid “D” was played even while MISSING 2 starters of the DB corps and a balanced offense proved to play well in the first 75% of the game. Just imagine what they may do against the Patties, Bills, and Jets — and HECK . . . if all goes well they MAY even do it for 4 full quarters.

If your a Steeler fan — it was a decent game, but manage your expectations. As improved as the Dolphin “O” may be, they are certainly no Cincinnati offense. As improved as the Miami “D” may be, they are not one that compares to the “D” of Baltimore, Tampa, or Carolina — 3 teams that represent 4 NFL matchups.

Overall, the season opener marked a solid game between two likely playoff teams — possibly even a foreshadowing of a future showdown.